I love bankers. For years I was one (sort of). But you have to admit, they’re often full of crap. Suits so rigid they’re practically torture devices. And hair so slicked it’s basically a waterslide for combs. Even though it’s a world lined with affairs, gambling, cocaine and airport lounges, it’s somehow surprisingly monotone. At some point, you’ll discover that the bland man you sit next to every day was fired from his last job for expensing hookers. Or the guy with a voice like a photocopier punched an intern in the face over a typo. You couldn’t make it up.
Luckily, I was fairly well-prepped for my time in banking. Having been brought up on a farm, I knew my way around steaming piles of crap 🤪.
Here are ten surprising things bankers and bullsh** have in common:
1. They’re both necessary for growth 🌱
Bankers are as essential for our economy as compost is for plants. You may not always want to get too close, but you can’t deny that bankers and bullsh** fertilise growth like nothing else.
2. Essential liquidity 💦
This is a bit gross, but I think we should go there. Banks and bullsh** provide liquidity. That gloopy texture is essential for both the grass and the economy. Without money flowing, we wouldn’t be able to survive.
3. They can crack in the heat 🥵
Ever seen a dried-up cow pat? It forms a crater in the middle and cracks around the edges (some classic Welsh knowledge there). Likewise, banks can also dry up under pressure. When the economy gets tough, lending and liquidity are usually the first to go.
4. Full of hot air ♨️
The EGOs of bankers have a lot in common with the hot steam rising off fresh dung. Both bankers and bullsh** can absolutely explode from hot air. If you don’t want to be pebble-dashed with crap, it’s best to keep a safe distance.
5. Too much is bad for the planet 💨 💨
Much to the amusement of every child (and a few adults), cow farts are destroying the climate. Likewise, finance is pumping out shit-loads of carbon emissions at record speeds. Too much capitalism and not enough sustainability has led us into a crisis. And greedy bankers are right at the heart of it!
6. Both can be toxic ☠️
Like a bright young buttercup that got splatted in bullsh** and died, too much time in banking can destroy you. Just look at the zombie-like faces of seasoned bankers.
Bullying is also pretty rampant. I spent nine months crying on the toilet floor when I worked in a French bank. You’re expected to absorb it and carry on, but it nearly broke me. Nearly.
7. That nasty sheen of green 🤢
I can’t believe I’m about to type this. Sometimes cow poo can have a concerning green gloss. An olive-coloured hue that seems to add an extra layer of stink. According to farmprogress.com, this means that the animal is not digesting grass properly, and should be monitored with a high-fibre diet. It’s the same with banks.
When they start coming out with greenwash, we should watch them closely. Don’t give them an inch, because they’re using the money to destroy the planet.
8. When it goes wrong, it goes really wrong
Cow poo was a routine feature of my childhood. And let me tell you, when your little foot plunges into it, it sucks.
Unlike sheep poo (again, can’t believe I’m writing this) it can’t be scraped off. Cow poo is serious. Especially when it comes to bulls. It can even go over the wellington boot and run down your socks. You’ll need to squelch home and run your leg under the hose. It’s so embarrassing too. The childhood equivalent of a walk of shame.
When banking goes wrong. It also goes really, really, really wrong. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of the 2008 crisis. Like cow poo, the stain never really goes and always leaves a terrible smell.
9. They both come from bullish environments 🐂
Probably you already knew this, but bullsh** isn’t made by fairies. It splats out from the arse of a male cow with gusto. Likewise, bankers are made from growing economies. Sure, sometimes they need to act dovish. But generally, bankers thrive and get their salaries from periods of high growth*.
10. King of the sh**s! 👑
BULLSH**! From the plains of Texas to the gambling casinos on Thread Needle Street everyone knows this term. They don’t say “chicken poop” or “horse manure”. They scream BULLSH** because it’s the most potent and powerful. The king of the sh**s.
And likewise, to my banker friends and colleagues out there... You are indeed the best at what you do. Sure, you have competition. Lawyers, Silicon Valley tycoons, accountants, politicians ... But the crown surely goes to you. Where would we be without the ICONIC traditional banker? That Rolex-wearing, hooker-expensing, slicked-back filthy motherf**ker that everyone loves to hate.
On that note, if you'd like me to write some articles for you, please do get in touch 😅
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Big shout-out to my mum who casually said to me, “Why don’t you write an article about what bankers and bullsh** have in common? That sounds like the sort of thing you do”. Then carried on watching TV on the sofa like it was nothing. Legend.
*… For any of my non-finance friends, a period of high growth is called a “Bullish” environment. Finance has its own set of terminology. But unlike law or medicine, it wasn’t created by centuries of great scholars who could speak Latin. It was made by photocopier boys in Wall Street, who probably didn’t even go to school. That’s my theory for why we have words like “spot”, “short”, “bear”, “bull”… easy to spell.